


The Trans-Underground Alphys-Carrying, Match-Making Road Trip

by Taliax



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Humor, I don't know what else to call it, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, POV Alphys (Undertale), Pre Toriel/Sans (Undertale), Pre-Undertale, The ships are plot relevant but the main focus of the fic is Alphys, is it really a road trip if there aren't any cars, mettaton is not bad he just doesn't think things through sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:14:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29791740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taliax/pseuds/Taliax
Summary: From her secret security camera, Alphys gets too invested in Sans's relationship with the voice behind the door.  This wouldn't be a problem if Mettaton didn't decide to take her ship into his own hands.Trying to catch up with a battery-powered robot is hard work, but telling the truth is even harder.
Relationships: Alphys & Mettaton (Undertale), Alphys & Papyrus (Undertale), Alphys & Sans (Undertale), Alphys/Undyne (Undertale), Mettaton/Papyrus (Undertale), Sans/Toriel (Undertale)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 30





	The Trans-Underground Alphys-Carrying, Match-Making Road Trip

**Author's Note:**

> This is set pre-Undertale by a few days, so it's technically canon divergent, but most of the content still works with canon anyway.
> 
> You can turn off the comic sans and papyrus font effects by clicking "hide creator's style" in the upper right hand corner.

"You're laughing. He's told that same ridiculous rib pun eight times, and you're still laughing! Who _are_ you?"

Alphys gripped her computer monitor, which was currently set to her camera outside the ominous door in Snowdin. The monitor setup didn't change much these days—except for when Undyne did her training regimen in front of the waterfall. Alphys's cheeks heated just thinking about that.

But she was getting distracted! Who the heck was the voice Sans kept flirting with through the door? And why did she seem to be flirting _back_?

_"Knock knock,"_ the voice said. Oh geez, they were back to knock knock jokes. If this was any normal TV program, Alphys would've changed the channel by now. But there was some part of her that couldn't help watching the bizarre scenes play out day after day. Sort of like the way she'd hate-watched Mew Mew Kissy Cutie 2 at least thirteen times.

_"Who's there?"_

_"Arch."_

_"Arch who?"_

_"Arch you tired of knocking yet?"_

Alphys groaned. That was _bad._ Sans still wheezed like it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard, though.

"Dude, please get some better taste. Both of you." 

...On second thought, Sans and his mysterious friend were probably the only two who could tolerate each other. Alphys had tried dating Sans back in their college years—heck, she'd dated _everyone_ back in college—and she'd nearly gone crazy in the first week.

Sans and the door-voice had been telling jokes for over a month now. If she hadn't stopped coming yet, she must really like him.

But not enough to open the door.

Alphys swirled her ramen in her mug as Sans and the voice made more dumb jokes and meaningless small talk. Even the main ship in Mew Mew Kissy Cutie 1 hadn't taken this long to get off the ground. It was maddening. She might have to take this into her own hands… by writing fanfiction, of course. There was no way she was going to tell Sans that she'd been spying on him. Much less that he should grow a spine and tell the voice how he felt.

...Grow a spine. Sheesh, watching those two was going to ruin her.

"ALPHYS!" The automatic lab doors flung open, and she nearly toppled out of her computer chair. 

(She _did_ spill hot ramen in her lap. Dang it, she would have to push up laundry day now.)

"Hi, Mettaton." She scooped the noodles off of her once-white coat and into the garbage before spinning to face him. "Here for repairs already? I thought you had a show today."

"OH, DON'T SOUND SO EXCITED TO SEE ME, DARLING!" The robot wheeled over to her, then crossed his arms over the side of her chair. "WE HAD TO RESCHEDULE. MY CAMERA MONSTER'S WIFE IS HAVING THEIR CHILDREN TODAY."

"O-oh! That's, uh, exciting!" She gave a wobbly grin.

"NOT AS EXCITING AS IT WOULD'VE BEEN IF I ATTENDED THE BIRTH! BUT IT'S ALRIGHT. I ARRANGED FOR A CONFETTI IN THE SHAPE OF ME TO RAIN ON THEM WHEN THEY LEAVE THE HOSPITAL."

"Uh, that's very… thoughtful."

"BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME! WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING? IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE RERUNS OF MY SHOW. IS THERE A COMPETITOR I SHOULD WORRY ABOUT?"

Alphys's eyes widened. "N-no! This is just… nothing!"

Mettaton's monitor displayed a >:( face. "ALPHYS… YOU WOULDN'T LIE TO ME, DARLING, WOULD YOU? BESIDES, IT'S CLEAR THAT DUMPY LITTLE SKELETON CAN'T MATCH MY MAJESTIC FORM!"

"O-of course not! He's…" Oh dear. She lied to everyone; one more deflection to Mettaton shouldn't be a big deal. But he was a lot more astute than most monsters gave him credit for. He could sniff out a lie a mile away, especially if he thought she was hiding a juicy secret. She was just lucky he didn't have any reason to suspect her involvement with the Amalgamates.

"WELL? I'M ALL EARS, BEAUTIFUL." His monitor changed to an 8-bit sprite of a human ear.

She sighed. Mettaton was a lot of things, but he was unlikely to judge her, at least.

"It really is nothing. I just s-set up some cameras… to watch for humans, you know? Not that anyone's seen one in the last twenty years… but anyway. That skeleton—his name is Sans—he's been coming and standing in front of one of my camera for weeks now. He always knocks on that door and tells really bad jokes. _Really_ bad jokes. But then someone from the other side started knocking _back,_ and I got too invested, and now I kind of ship them, but I'm! The worst part is! He's never even seen her! I _know_ they're in love even if they only show it through cheesy puns but neither of them will open the stupid door!" She tugged at the tips of her head-spikes. "It's driving me crazy!"

Mettaton wheeled closer, pushing her chair out of the way so he could better see the monitor.

_"Heh, good one, old lady.”_ Sans gave a dopey grin. _“You've got_ guts _to pull off a joke like that."_

_"Ha!"_ A bleating came through the speakers, almost like Asgore's laugh when Alphys had surprised him with a new cell phone and he'd accidentally crushed it in his paw. Alphys had noted the similarities before, but it was highly unlikely the door voice was a monster like Asgore. As far as she knew, the king was the only Boss Monster still alive.

_"Well, I’d better get going. Can't be late for my last job of the day. Gonna try to knock 'em dead at the resort. Doubt they'll be half the audience you are, but only time will ho-tell."_

"That's right. He mentioned doing a show at your resort before," Alphys said. "Why didn't you recognize him?"

"I DON'T HIRE EVERY EMPLOYEE PERSONALLY, DARLING. THAT'S WHAT ASSISTANTS ARE FOR! BUT I CAN'T SEE WHY ANY OF THEM HIRED HIM WITH MATERIAL LIKE _THAT._ WHERE'S THE DRAMA? THE PIZZAZ? THE _SEQUINS?"_

Alphys had to choke back a cackle at the thought of Sans in a sequined hoodie. He'd be miserable.

"BUT THIS STORY OF HIM AND THE MONSTER BEHIND THE DOOR… NOW _THAT_ HAS DRAMA! INTRIGUE! _ROMANCE!"_

Mettaton snapped his fingers, and confetti rained from the ceiling. When had he set that up?

"AS YOUR FRIEND AND A SAVIOR OF ROMANCE EVERYWHERE, I MUST RECTIFY THIS SITUATION! REPAIRS WILL HAVE TO WAIT! TOODLES!"

"Wait, Mettaton!"

Alphys scrambled out of her chair, but it was too late. The robot was speeding out the front doors as quickly as he'd entered.

"Oh man…" She buried her face in her hands. Sans was going to _kill_ her.

...Well, probably not. He was too chill to do anything that drastic. But then again, Alphys had never thought he'd flirt with anyone either, so maybe she didn't know him as well as she'd thought.

Either way, she couldn't let Mettaton embarrass him in front of his crush. Not without at least warning him first. After everything Sans had done to help her take care of the Amalgamates and keep them secret, she owed him.

She went up the escalator. She'd need an extra lab coat (or three) if she was going to Snowdin.

XXX

“Th-thanks for the lift, Undyne!” Alphys gave a wobbly grin. Oh gosh, her face felt like it was going to melt off. Being carried across Waterfall by the woman of her dreams? It was more romantic than any of her fanfics. (Okay, maybe not the one where Undyne proposed to her under a cherry blossom tree. That was a classic.)

“No problem! My buff muscles were made for carrying cute chicks!” Undyne flexed. “You sure you don’t want me to take you the rest of the way to Snowdin? I could say hi to Papyrus while we’re there!”

“N-no! I’m good!” Alphys stepped backwards, splashing up water onto her outermost lab coat. Undyne and Mettaton didn’t exactly get along. It would be easier to wrangle him on her own. “Th-thank you though!”

“Oh. Well, uh, maybe some other time then…?”

“Y-yeah!”

They parted ways awkwardly, Undyne rubbing the back of her neck, Alphys desperately trying to disappear into the collars of her coats. Undyne hadn’t been asking her on a date, had she…? No, she always called her cute platonically. This wasn’t one of her unrealistic fantasies.

It took another fifteen minutes to trudge through the snow to town. Alphys didn’t specialize in reading tracks, but she figured the line carved by Mettaton’s wheel was still fresh. Thank goodness for Undyne, or she would’ve missed him by hours.

“At least Sans will be at the hotel… maybe I can get Mettaton out of here before he gets back.”

She shuffled through the town, keeping her head down. The last thing she wanted was for one of the Dogi to recognize her and bombard her with questions. Gosh, how long had it been since she got their letter…?

_One crisis at a time._ She could angst over her worthless existence later. Right now she needed— 

“DOCTOR ALPHYS!” Papyrus waved once she made it to the bridge. Er, the rock formation he’d painted to look like a bridge. Some of the tan paint flaked off against her feet.

“Please tell me there’s another Doctor Alphys around here,” she groaned under her breath.

“OF COURSE THERE ISN’T! NO ONE COULD COMPARE TO YOU!” Papyrus lifted her in a crushing hug. Despite everything, the physical contact eased a little of her anxiety.

And then brought it back tenfold, because she didn’t deserve it.

“H-h-hi, Papyrus! How are the p-puzzles going?”

“I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CALIBRATE THEM FOR THE NIGHT! WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ME? YOU CAN SEE YOUR TILE PUZZLE IN ACTION!”

“I, um, that sounds g-great, but… I’m kind of on a… secret… mission?”

Oh geez. That was one of her worst lies yet.

He clapped his gloved hands to his cheeks.

“WOWIE! IS THERE ANY WAY THAT I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS AND SOON-TO-BE MEMBER OF THE ROYAL GUARD, CAN BE OF ASSISTANCE?”

“Er, um, actually… y-yes?” It was a risk, but she still hadn’t caught up to Mettaton. Besides, if Papyrus was headed this direction, she wouldn’t be able to lose him anyway. “Do you know where there’s a giant door? Out in the woods?”

“OH! YOU MEAN THE WEIRD PLACE NEXT TO SANS’S SENTRY STATION?”

“Y-yeah! I need to get there, for, um… secret mission reasons. But it’s h-hard for me to walk through all this snow.”

“NEVER FEAR! I WOULD BE HONORED TO ESCORT YOU ON YOUR SECRET MISSION! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE CARRIED? BRIDAL STYLE? PIGGYBACK? WHY DO THEY CALL IT PIGGYBACK, ANYWAY? PIGS DON’T HAVE BACKS SUITED FOR RIDING. NOW A HORSE… OR A SKELETON! SKELETONBACK! NOW _THAT’S_ RIDING IN STYLE!”

“S-skeleton back is great. Thanks, Papyrus.”

He crouched down, and she awkwardly scrambled on. It would’ve been embarrassing if she had a single shred of dignity left. But she’d forfeited that when she built her life-size Mew Mew doll. ...And probably several times before that, but she would be here all night if she let her thoughts down that road.

“DO YOU FEEL PROPERLY SECURE?” He asked over his shoulder.

“As s-secure as I can.” She would’ve given him a thumbs-up, but her claws were busy digging into his scarf.

“WONDERFUL! THEN WE’RE OFF!”

He wasn’t kidding. He took off at a jog, which was impressive with someone her size on his back. His training with Undyne was clearly paying off. If she weren’t such a complete loser at anything resembling exercise, she would ask if she could join them. The excuse to watch Undyne training in person…

“YOU FEEL ODDLY WARM, DOCTOR ALPHYS. ARE YOU ALRIGHT? I WOULDN’T WANT YOU TO CATCH A FEVER FROM THIS WEATHER.”

“I-I’m fine!” she squeaked.

“ARE YOU SURE? I CAN LEND YOU MY SCARF, IF IT WOULD HELP!”

“Th-that’s very th-thoughtful of you… but, um, I don’t know how I would hold on if you weren’t wearing it…”

“HMM.”  He stopped in front of one of the sentry stations. Doggo’s, if the half-smoked dog treats lying out front were anything to go by. His shift was over already, right? Who worked the nightshift out here? She should’ve asked Undyne. Maybe it was just Papyrus, since Alphys was pretty sure he didn’t sleep.

“I KNOW THE PERFECT SOLUTION!”  Papyrus shifted to support her legs with one hand, using his other to unwrap his scarf.  “YOU CAN HOLD ONTO MY COLLARBONES! THEY’RE VERY HANDLE-LIKE.”

That was… brilliant, actually. Especially since it turned out his shirt was a rather attractive v-neck when not obscured by his scarf.

_Oh geez, don’t start sweating again._ There had to be some sort of limit on the amount of friends she could thirst over. Besides, she was pretty sure Papyrus was gay. 

Awkwardly she managed to wrap his scarf around her neck and grab his collarbones. Now she was warmer _and_ less likely to fall.

“Feels kinda like r-riding a motorcycle,” she said with a chuckle as he started jogging again. “Well, like what I th-think it would feel like. I’ve never actually r-ridden one. But in this one anime, um, Soul Eater—”

“SOUL… EATER? ISN’T THAT A LITTLE GRAPHIC FOR A BABY SHOW?”

Whatever slight feelings she might have had for the skeleton shriveled up like a dry noodle.

“Anime _isn’t_ for babies! And they don’t eat souls—um, well, they d-do but not, _monster_ souls, like ours. It’s— _deep!”_

“HMM… WELL, IF YOU _AND_ UNDYNE BOTH SAY SO… I GUESS A SHOW WITH COOL MOTORCYCLES CAN’T BE TOO BAD.” 

“It’s amazing! Soul Evans rides one and it always looked really f-fun… and kind of terrifying…”

“FUN AND TERRIFYING! THOSE ARE MY MIDDLE NAMES!”

“...Do you even have a last name?”

“OF COURSE I DO! MY FULL NAME IS PAPYRUS ‘FUN AND TERRIFYING’ ☝︎✌︎💧︎❄︎☜︎☼︎!”

Alphys’s glasses slid down her nose. She nearly lost her grip on Papyrus’s collarbones. “H-how did you make that noise with your mouth?”

And why did it sound _familiar?_

He shrugged, which had the accidental effect of jostling her. “THE SAME WAY I MAKE EVERY OTHER NOISE, I GUESS. WITH MAGIC! SINCE I DON’T HAVE LIPS. OR A TONGUE. I’VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT THAT WOULD FEEL LIKE. WOULD I BE ABLE TO TASTE IT? CAN YOU TASTE YOUR TONGUE, DOCTOR ALPHYS?”

“J-just Alphys is fine. And, um, no? I don’t think so?”

“THEN WHAT’S THE POINT OF IT?”

Before she could puzzle out an answer, he skidded to a stop. “IS THAT—? OH MY GOSH! IT’S MY FAVORITE SEXY RECTANGLE!!!”

Alphys poked her head out from behind Papyrus’s skull. Sure enough, Mettaton was already standing in front of the giant door. He’d pulled a microphone out of one of his dials; the cord connected somewhere inside his metal casing. His other hand balanced a video camera on his shoulder, though there didn’t seem to be anything to record. The door was still shut.

“OH? HAS ONE OF MY DARLING VIEWERS COME TO VISIT US IN PERSON?”

“Viewers?” A muffled voice came from beyond the door. “What is going on?”

“DOCTOR—ER, JUST ALPHYS—WAS THIS YOUR SECRET MISSION? MEETING METTATON AND PREMIERING ON HIS NEW SHOW? WOWIE!!!”

“A show… You said that you were a friend of my friend!”

Oh. Oh no. She was too late. At this rate, she’d scare off the voice behind the door forever… and then Sans and his secret admirer would never meet face to face, just like Ladybug and Chat Noir from her French anime, always doomed to have a wall between them— 

_Stop it! This isn’t an anime, this is your friend’s life!_

“M-mettaton!” She spoke up. “This is my friend Papyrus. He’s a huge fan, and he wants to hear a-all about your new show! Alone. Over there.” She pointed back towards the woods.

“OH, OF COURSE, DARLING! YOU’LL KEEP OUR LOVELY GUEST COMPANY WHILE I’M GONE, WON’T YOU?”

“Y-yeah.” Did that actually work?

“A PERSONAL MEETING WITH METTATON… THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!” Papyrus set her down, only to hug her tightly again.

“PLEASE, MY DEAR HANDSOME SKELETON, THE PLEASURE IS ALL MINE.” Mettaton bowed deeply. Then he wheeled off, Papyrus bouncing beside him. “OH MY… IS THAT MTT-BRAND ANIME POWDER I SEE BEHIND YOUR EARS…?”

MTT-brand anime powder? And Papyrus had the nerve to insult the emotional art form?

N-not that that mattered! She picked up the corner of the red scarf that had dropped into the snow, then scrambled over to the door. Then, with shaking hands, she knocked.

The sound echoed through the leafless trees. Then there was silence.

“Oh no…” She wrung her fingers through the fabric of Papyrus’s scarf. “Um, Ms. Door Lady…? Are you still…? Oh, who am I kidding. She has to be gone by now.”

Alphys slumped back against the door. She could see why Sans liked to sit here; it was surprisingly comfortable. Or maybe he’d just worn a Sans-shaped indent in the door.

“No. I am… still here.”

The voice nearly startled her out of her scales. She jumped up, almost tripped over the long scarf, and then plopped back down again.

“G-great! I mean—um—I’m so sorry.”

“What for? You were not the monster who tricked me.” Her voice sounded bitter. Maybe even a little resigned.

Alphys started to sweat again. “Um. R-right. But still. What… happened, exactly?”

A long pause. A tired sigh.

“Oh, nothing of importance. I have simply been taken for a fool… again.”

“That—that’s not…” 

What could she say? Obviously the woman behind the door stayed there for a reason. She valued her privacy, enough to without her name from even the monster she seemed to care about most. 

And she was lonely. None of her jokes could fully disguise that.

“Tell me,” the voice cracked, “do you know him? The monster who would come to tell jokes with me?”

“Yes,” Alphys answered quietly. Her tail curled around her toes, but they still felt painfully cold.

“Tell him… I don’t want to see him again. Or hear him, I suppose. Since I was never even able to… nevermind.”

“W-wait!” Alphys jumped to her feet. Her hands splayed against the door, though she knew she couldn’t push it open. “It wasn’t his fault! Mettaton, he—Sans didn’t know anything about this!”

Was she just making things worse? Sans hadn’t told his friend his name... but what could be worse than her disappearing forever? Even if Alphys was wrong and they weren’t in love, Sans had lost enough friends in his life. 

“Sans,” the voice whispered. Alphys was surprised she could hear it through the door. “Is that… his name?”

“Y-yeah. He probably wouldn’t w-want me to tell you, but, um, I can’t let you give up on him like this. It’s all j-just a big m-misunderstanding.”

Alphys shivered. She could just barely make out the camera lens glinting in the bush to her right. If she’d just minded her own business… or at least been a better liar…

Mettaton had just been trying to help, in his own way. It was her own fault for sharing Sans’s private life with the most public figure in the Underground.

“You mentioned your friend Papyrus,” the voice began again slowly. “That is my friend’s… um, Sans… Papyrus is his brother, is he not?”

“Th-that’s him.” Maybe she should’ve been surprised that the voice recognized Papyrus’s name but not Sans, but honestly, that seemed on-brand. Sans would talk about his brother for hours before saying a single thing about himself.

“He did not know I was here,” the voice said.

“I-I don’t think so?”

“Sans… if he were to tell anyone about me, I am confident that it would be his brother. So I do not understand. How did you and… ‘Mettaton’ know of me?”

Her eyes darted to the camera again. Sweat soaked through at least two of her three lab coats.

She knew what she should do. She was in this mess because she’d told Mettaton the truth. Lying was… lying was the only way to protect herself.

_You’re trash. Garbage. You should be the one locked behind a door, not Sans’s friend._

She let out a deep breath, fogging up her glasses.

“It was my fault.” The words burned on the way out. “I saw—overheard—er—the d-details d-don’t matter. I found out that Sans was talking with you, and I… I just wanted you both to be happy.”

She took off her glasses and pressed her palms to her eyes. “I accidentally told Mettaton about you, and he’s a lot more, um, proactive? I didn’t mean for him to bother you. Y-you deserve your privacy. I just—I know that Sans really cares about you. S-so don’t give up on him because of me.”

The door was silent. Alphys wasn’t sure what she expected. It was easier to tell the truth to someone she couldn’t see, but it was still a real person back there.

“I… I see.” The voice was terse. Somehow, Alphys got the feeling she was about to be grounded.

“S-so yeah. I. Um. I should go. I’ll make sure Mettaton deletes whatever he recorded. I won’t let him tell anyone you’re here.”

“That would be appreciated.”

Oh gosh, this was so awkward. The voice hadn’t even agreed to talk to Sans again… she was going to tell him about this, wasn’t she? And then Sans would know what a horrible lying friend she was—well, Sans already knew a lot of her lies. But still.

She sighed and turned away from the door—only to come face-to-face with the skeleton she least wanted to see.

“S-sans!” She jumped. “L-long time no s-see, hehe!”

His browbone furrowed, but his grin was wide as ever.

“Hey, Alphys. You got any idea why my brother is cuddling Mettaton in my sentry station?”

“N-no idea at all! That is so w-weird! Bye!”

As if she weren’t mortified enough, she tripped over the end of Papyrus’s scarf while attempting to scramble away. Her glasses went flying… somewhere.

“Can today get any worse?” She groaned.

“Sans…?” the voice from behind the door asked. 

Yep. Of course it could.

Sans’s eyelights gutted out.

“Heh. That’s me. Sans the skeleton.”

“I should p-probably let you guys talk…” Alphys managed to get to her feet. She felt Sans’s empty glare weighing on her neck.

“We’ll catch up later, right, Alphys?”

“Um. Y-yeah.” She gulped. She owed him that much. 

She owed him more, after all the months he’d kept her secrets.

She took off Papyrus’s scarf, set it down in the snow, and began the long, cold trek home.

XXX

_*yo_

_*i know youre reading this you never leav your phone_

_*u know i wouldnt bug u if it wasnt important_

[1 missed call from _sans-sational._ ]

_*look alphys im not mad. u know me better than that_

_*i still have your dog food_

_*alright im gonna have to break out the big guns_

_*mew mew kissy cutie sucks_

Alphys’s fingers started typing up an angry rant before she could process what she was doing. Crap. He’d see her typing, and then he’d _know_ she was ignoring him like the piece of garbage she was— 

_*heh. gotcha_

_*you suck,_ she typed back. She should’ve apologized, but that just wasn’t how things worked with Sans. Maybe that was why they had managed to stay friends for so long, even though they were two of the worst communicators in the Underground.

_*i know_

_*but thats not the point_

_*i really need to know what happened with tori_

_*Tori?_ she asked, squinting at the bright screen. It was the only source of illumination in the dim lab. She was sprawled out on one of the pink beds, which was still sticky from the last amalgamate who’d slept here. 

She really needed to do laundry. They deserved better than this. Right now though, they were snoring peacefully in the beds around her. She hadn’t had the energy to go back downstairs after turning out the lights.

* _door lady. u and the bucket of bolts really scared her._

Dread pooled in her gut. She’d known this was coming. Karma was bound to catch up to her eventually.

_*can i come over? I’ll bring grillby’s_

Grillby’s always made her feel like garbage. Which was to say, it was perfect.

_*ok. thanks_

No, that wasn’t good enough.

_*sorry i suck so bad lol_

_*i mean. sorry. for everything_

_*’s alright,_ he typed back. She couldn’t help chuckling. For all his lazy typing, he went through the effort to put the apostrophe before the s.

A few minute later, he was walking through doorway, despite no elevator ding signalling his arrival. She was used to that, though.

“Double ‘burg,” he said quietly, tossing the paper bag onto the mattress and sitting at the edge. His slippered feet didn’t touch the floor.

“I don’t deserve you,” she replied through a weak laugh. Deserving or not, though, she was going to dig into this burger like the trash she was.

“Save the sweet talk for Undies.” He grinned, but it might have just been his resting face. She couldn’t always tell. 

He took a swig from his ketchup bottle. “How are the amalgams?”

“Same as usual.” She sat up, and her eyes skimmed over the sleeping monsters. Endogeny. Reaper Bird. Snowy. Lemon Bread. They didn’t look quite so tormented when they were snoring. Even if Lemon Bread’s teeth gnashed occasionally, or Snowy shivered no matter how many blankets Alphys gave her…

“You worried I’ll wake them up?”

“Probably not,” she said through a mouthful of burger. “They sleep through each other’s mumbling, and the Memoryheads’ feedback.”

He nodded. “So. You gonna tell me how you found out about Tori?”

Alphys’s face flushed. He had the right idea—they should just get to the point, before she could chicken out. But that didn’t make it easy.

“Um. H-how would you feel if you knew, I, um. Hypothetically. Had a camera by that weird door?” 

His eyelights flickered. 

“Heh. Hypothetically, I’d wonder why the hell my friend wants to spy on me.”

“I-it’s not like that, I swear.” She put set the burger in her lap. Grease wasn’t going to help her already growing nausea. “I th-thought it would be a good way to w-watch for humans. Since, you know, you don’t exactly do your job.”

He raised his hands, still holding the ketchup.  “Guilty.”

“Undyne helped me install them a w-while ago. She knows how much I hate the cold. A-anyway, I was just watching, and… y-yeah. There you were.”

“Huh. I guess I can’t blame you there.”  His brow furrowed. “Still doesn’t explain why Mettaton was grilling Tori about, to quote her quoting him, our ‘UNDENIABLE ROMANTIC CHEMISTRY.’”

Alphys snorted. She couldn’t help it—he’d mimicked Mettaton’s voice down to the robotic note.

“W-well what did she say?”

“Heh. Wouldn’t you like to know?” He grinned insufferably.

“I would,” she huffed. “I made the mistake of telling Mettaton that I thought you and Tori should get together. So of course he thought it was his god-given duty to make that happen.” 

Sans choked on his ketchup.

“I’m right though, aren’t I?” She smirked. “You _liiiiike_ her. You want to tell her bad puns and eat hot dogs in the sunset.”

He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. “First, there is no sunset. Second, all our puns are _sans-_ tastic, thank you.”

She gave him a pity snort. “How many times have I heard that one?”

“Hey, cut me some slack. I got to use it with Tori for the first time today.” His eyelights pulsed for a moment, and she swore they looked like little hearts.

“Does that mean… I _am_ right? You guys still like each other?”

He shrugged. “I dunno.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?”

He glared at her, then nodded pointedly at Snowy. Right. She needed to keep her voice down.

“I _mean,_ she’s… too good for me, for sure. Besides, we’ve both got baggage, y’know? It’s not as easy as having a TV star throw rose petals over us.”

Alphys groaned. “Please tell me he didn’t do that.”

“Nah. He was too busy blowing kisses to my bro.”

Huh. Well, at least one ship could sail out of all this. Even if it was the last one she expected. Though come to think of it… maybe Papyrus and Mettaton’s bombastic personalities could mesh well together. She’d have to try them out in her next fanfic.

“Anyway. Tori did open up a bit more, but that’s between me and her.” He gave her a pointed look.

“R-right.” She flushed again. “I… really am sorry about that, by the way. I should’ve been honest with you from the beginning… or just. Turned off that camera.”

“If you don’t, you’ll find it in the garbage dump tomorrow.”

“Yeah, that’s fair.”

They sat in silence for a bit, Sans drinking his ketchup, Alphys nibbling on her burger. Gosh, she _really_ didn’t deserve him. He could've chewed her out so much worse.

“I gotta admit, though.” He swung his legs back and forth. “If it weren't for you, I wouldn’t even know her name. She seemed pretty glad to know mine, too. That’s… that’s a big step, for us.”

“R-really? I mean—I’m really happy for you!”

“Pretty sure she still hates you, though.”  He winked.

She groaned and buried her face in her greasy hands. “Yeah, well. I hate myself too. She can join the club.”

“Aww, c’mon, Al. I’m just jokin'.”  He wrapped an arm around her shoulders.  “Sure, you should think things through next time. But you should know, meeting Mettaton made Papyrus’s year. They’re going on a date next Friday.”

She let out a squeal. Reaper Bird’s head poked up, their single giant eye blinking.

“Hehe. Sorry…”

Their eye narrowed, and then they laid back down.

“I’m just so happy for them!” she continued in a whisper. “Mettaton never really opens up to anyone but me. He’s married to the stage, you know? So this is a big deal for him. Aaaah, I’ll have to finish his new body this week!”

“Heh. If the bucket of bolts gets any sexier, Papyrus might faint on the spot.”  Sans chuckled.  “But yeah. Can’t be too mad if you could do something like that for my bro.”

Wow. It turned out she’d have to thank Mettaton after all. Hopefully he’d told her the story in his 268 unread text messages. She had just assumed it was another dump of selfies.

“I’m glad,” she said, brushing off her hands on her dingey lab coat and laying back on the bed. “It feels… nice. To have done something right, for a change.”

“Yeah. Just hope it sticks…”

“W-what do you mean?”

His eyesockets widened just a little. “Hey, it’s nothing. Just bein’ pessimistic as usual.”

She’d known him long enough to know he was lying. But she’d also known him long enough to know pushing wouldn’t get her anywhere.

“You d-deserve to be happy too, you know.” She sat up and rested her hand on his shoulder. “Even if it’s hard, I really believe you and Tori can work out. And Papyrus and Mettaton.”

“And you and Undies?” He winked, and her face heated again.

“A-and me and Undyne!” she said with forced confidence, but it melted away immediately. “H-ha, who am I kidding… she’d never be with a loser like me...”

“Hey.”  Sans looked serious—as serious as he could with his near-permanent grin, anyway.  “We're both losers. It’s our thing. But today… today was good. And today’s all we got, right? Nothing else really matters.”

She blinked. “W-wow. That almost sounded profound.”

“Don’t get used to it.” He bumped her with his shoulder before going on in a more quiet voice. “I guess... today just reminded me how easy you guys can disappear.”

“Sans…” 

He must have realized how close Tori had come to never speaking to him again. But why would he be worried about losing anyone else?

“Heh. Don’t worry about it, okay?” He tossed his empty bottle in the paper bag. “All out of ketchup. Feelings time is over.”

She rolled her eyes. He could be so dramatic when he wanted to.

“Do you mind shortcutting me downstairs before you go?” She asked with a sheepish grin.

“What, you don’t wanna sleep in the creepy lab? I _bed_ you’d have sweet dreams.” He patted the mattress next to his leg.

“Nevermind. If I have to hear more of your puns, I’ll just walk.” She slowly moved to stand, but _geez,_ she was tired. She should’ve gone down earlier instead of letting herself get comfortable here.

“Nah, I got it. Don’t want you passing out in the elevator.” 

His left eye glowed blue, and then he gestured upwards. It was always fascinating, if a little nauseating, to feel gravity shift directions. Once she was hovering a few feet off the ground, he carried her weightlessly to the doorframe.

“You want me to tuck you in, too?” He winked when they appeared at the top of her escalator.

“Ha, ha.” She stuck out her tongue. “I just asked for a shortcut. I didn’t ask you to carry me.”

“You walked across the Underground and back today. That’s more exercise than either of us needs.”  He pressed the button to unfold her cube-bed, then gently set her down before releasing his blue magic.

“I d-didn’t walk the _whole_ way,” she admitted. “Undyne and Papyrus carried me for a bit.”

“Heh. Glad the ‘Carrying Alphys’ club is full of such cool dudes.”

She chuckled. It was pretty nice of him… of _all_ of them. 

Her friends were amazing. Maybe she didn’t deserve them, but despite everything, they were still here.

“Hey, Sans?” She said before he could shortcut home.

“Yeah? Change your mind about getting tucked in?”

“No.” She snorted. “I just wanted to say… thank you. For everything.”

“No prob. Meddling in each others' personal lives is what friends are for, right?”

With one last wink, he vanished.

“...Well that’s not ominous at all.”

**Author's Note:**

> It’s ok. Frisk comes in the next day or two before Sans can pull any real bad pranks on Alphys lol
> 
> Also Undyne definitely knew where the camera in Waterfall was and worked out in front of it on purpose


End file.
